Can’t get to a pride near you? Cant’ afford the train fair to Brighton? Then what about holding your very own pride in your very own BACK GARDEN.
For you, destitute lesbian, here’s Biva’s guide to HOME PRIDE
Let’s get started.
Do you have a picnic table or three lying around? Set them up in the backyard. On one of them lay out all your sexual gadgets, adding price tags. Hang a sheet above the stall with ‘Scchhhpunk’ or ‘LuvzPumpz’ painted on it in lipstick. Just for fun, go down to the hardware shop and buy some pvc piping, bag it up with an old tube of lube and an old belt, call it ‘Lesbi-Man’ and see if you manage to sell it.
On another table lay out all your vitamins and any old pills you may have laying around and you can call this stall, ‘High on Life Alone’ or ‘Legally Wasted’. (Make sure you have enough PROPER drugs though, nothing worse than being caught at Pride not ‘off your tits’)
If you have a tent, ‘4 man’ is the best, then erect this and hang a disco ball in it. Set up your old ‘record 
player’ in the corner and put some records in a box next to it with the covers off and a hint of black vinyl showing over the top. It doesn’t matter what the records are, they can be your Mum’s old Harry Belafonte’s. It’s just for looks really. This is obviously where later on in the day, your guests will bump and grind to all sorts of hip hop house and Dusty Springfield.
In the middle of your semi- circle of ’stalls’ place a couple of buckets and precisely ten squares of toilet paper, folded tidily and placed in between the two buckets. These will be your toilets and will be the MOST POPULAR area of your ‘Home Pride’.
Find an old shopping trolley and a rope. These items will constitute the fun fair section of ‘Home Pride’. To operate 
‘Rope-O-Ride’ tie the rope around the midriff of your pride-goer and pull them around the garden, twice, slowing on the second turn to a stop. Make sure as you slow down you give one almighty tug, drawing the pridees to the ground and causing their breasts to clang together and minor whiplash to ensue.
For the ‘Cage-O-Love’, you will need the shopping trolley and a couple of homosexuals/ Daring Straights together in the shopping trolley. Next, push them up and down any concreted area of your back garden. Insist that they kiss, as befits the name of the ride. At the end spin the trolley very quickly by the handle 5 times, ensuring some rib damage. For these rides it would be acceptable to charge between £7-10. Charge more if your guests are European. If anyone complains, scream at them, “FUN COMES AT A PRICE’ and explain just how much it cost you to organise this years ‘Home Pride.’
Now for the finishing touches.
Put on your Biva ‘I Heart Homos’ tee shirt and go around your neighbourhood (except if you live in Tehran) inviting all and sundry over. Make sure you have phoned up all your gay friends who couldn’t get in to any other decent Prides and entice them over with free lager. Make sure your parents are there too. If you are not OUT and PROUD then this is the perfect time to do it. You can use your Biva Wall Chart/Fridge Magnet Coming Out Kit and give your “Coming Out Presentation.’ right there at your own ‘Back garden Pride’. And rest assured your Coming Out Presentation will be greeted with cheers. And we all know why! It has finally been enshrined in law* that EVERYONE has to love us and let us stay at their hotels AND and ENJOY our ACCEPT our celebrations or they are BREAKING THE LAW. If the neighbours aren’t appreciative of your expression of your homosexuality, you can have them ARRESTED. Everyone in the UK has to be as proud of us being GAY as we are proud of us being GAY.
If you are still floundering with the organisation of your Home Pride, send £3455 pounds to Biva and we will come around and set it up for you with out own gay experts.
*Soon even the Catholics will have to let us raise their God-bothering spawn.
