Dear Biva,
My wifeband and I are celebrating a year of partnerriage and I’m unsure of what to gift her. I believe that it is tradition to gift an item of paper in a heterosexual marriage. To that end I’ve seen a rather striking origami sculpture of Ellen Degeneres that my wifeband might enjoy.
My dilemma is do I simply accept and adopt the heterosexual mode of anniversarial gifting or has another separate and more appropriate gifting tradition arisen in the gay community, one that is more fitting to the gay sensibility,
Any help much appreciated,
Yours

‘Quandried’,
Upper Nunnington,
Lickspittleshire

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The Vatican announced today it would attempt to ‘reign in’ radical young priests who are taking the scriptures a little too literally. A fad for bonnet wearing among junior priests has alarmed many older and more liberal church members.

The Catholic church, which has franchises all over the world, said from its headquarters in Rome, Italy, that the priests, though following scripture needed to ‘exercise caution’ when interpreting the word of the Lord.

But the bonnet wearing priests defend their move.

‘It states clearly in Ezekiel 44:15-18′, said father Donni Osmondo, pictured above, “They shall have linen bonnets upon their heads, and shall have linen breeches upon their loins; they shall not gird themselves with any thing that causeth sweat.”

‘If it’s good enough for the bible, it’s good enough for me and the boys who want to don the bonnet,’ he went on to say.

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Lesbian Sue Gipp and her lover Joan Dung were all dressed up with nowhere to go on Friday. The girls, both prison wardens, had waited months to attend the opening ceremony of Heathrow airports new terminal 5.

The opening, after 15 years of planning and construction by its owners BAA, and protests by local residents and environmental groups, was greeted with joy by the happy lesbians who live in Upper Nunnington, Dildshire.

‘On the strength of a headline in the Daily Mail, “Queen to open terminal 5″ we took the day off from our jobs and got a couple of seats on National Express straight to the airport,’ said a disappointed Joan, 48.

‘You can’t imagine our disappointment when we rocked up at the terminal. No Brian May, no Roger Taylor, no John,’ said a teary Sue, pictured left.
‘Of course we didn’t expect Freddie, that would have been a miracle.’

The girls said though they had nothing against the monarch commonly known as QEII, former mother-in-law of the late St Diana of Kensington, she just ‘wasn’t the Queen we was hoping for.’ said a sobbing Joan.

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Popular cleaner from the set of HBO’s popular homosexual-based docu-drama, The L Word, was said to be ‘thrilled with’ her purchase of a new street sweeper, (pictured left).

Sources close to Maureen Knerd, an integral part of the L Word set since its inception, said the bisexual cleaner had had a ‘hankering for her own’ piece of industrial cleaning equipment and had ‘finally fulfilled her dream.

Friends of the cleaner said that Ms Knerd, who had worked her way up through the ranks of cleaners, beginning with Eight is Enough 20 years ago, had scrimped and saved to purchase the battery operate machine which was capable of top speeds of 4-6km/.

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The gay-themed missing papers of 16th century novice Nun Kylie of Nonce were recently located in a gym locker in Hurlville, Idaho.
The papers, unearthed by gym teacher Ms Jody-Anne Marie Schmuck, were said to be in good condition and carbon dating will take place shortly.
Scribbled by Kylie of Nonce, pictured left, in a police identi-kit image, the papers contains insights into the world of nunnism dating back centuries.
An extract is printed here exclusively for Biva readers.


The hand is sick, the plants obscure
Please up there, I need a cure
Are you listening god? Its me
I’m down here on my bended knee
and while im here I may as well
Have some asparagus vag
In hell I’ll be
Those nuns were right
The ones I shagged all day and night
You’ve got some babes, god, in these cloisters
They plied me with liqueur and oysters
until I couldn’t hardly see
and then took my virginity
so god you see, those nuns are hot
they put their dildo up my bot
and then we had a quick nun sanger
with a double-ended wanger
those nuns are kinky as can be
they rubber sexed in front of me
and now you see I’ve hurt my wrist
those nuns do surely love to fist
so god I think that your son jesus
should do exactly as he pleases
to satisfy the carnal lust
of all the nuns who in god trust
and please my hand could you make right
so I can ‘do’ the nuns all night

copyright Ms Jody-Anne Marie Schmuck and Ms Liz Sheetz

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