The sun was hardly above the yard arm when CIA agent Jess Cufflink made her way across the sandy red road.
The red dust dusted her white toes and she cast her mind back to three weeks before, before all hell had broken loose and her once peaceful world had been shattered into a trillion pieces. ‘Like a packet of crisps under an elephant’ Jess thought to herself, ‘Or a baby ant run over by a tractor being driven by the fattest man on earth,’
Just then a little involuntary tear came down the cheek of CIA agent Jess Cufflink and her humanness shone through.
‘Like a disco ball,’ she thought to herself, ‘back home at Naughty Norma’s All-Girl Bar and Tackle Shop, where you and I used to dance, slow, moving round the floor like,..,… like one of those floor waxing machines with the big brushes,’

But Jess had no time for casting her mind back to happier times; she was here on assignment, an assignment she knew she had to complete…and complete fast.

For in a missing piece of satellite somewhere her on the floor of the desert lay a piece of information, perhaps a piece of information that may save the world, or indeed some of it.

‘The important parts,’ the President had said to Jess as she stood in the Oval Office accepting her assignment, ‘Like America and England and Australia and maybe Canada but only the bits where the skiing is good. And Texas. And that titty bar down on route 46. Might good tits down there.’
Jess had laughed remembering the times her and the President had spent at that very titty bar, sinking tequila and shooting the breeze and taking in the titties.

But Jess had no time for titty-bar memories; there were pieces of satellite to be discovered, people to be saved…and a broken heart to be got over.

Get your signed copy of Thunder Down Under from Labia Press for only £356.99

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It’s 1970 and the outback of Australia swelters under one its hottest skies for 34 years. Recently single CIA agent Jess Cufflink nursing a broken heart and a Fosters Lager hangover scours the base of Ayers Rock, her eyes peeled for a piece of satellite that has slammed into the ground at the base of the ancient monolith.

From the bestselling lesbian pen of lesbian writer Shandy Mitford comes one of her most heart wrenching yet tender novels of love lost and re-found around and under the spinifex of the wide, brown, dangerous but beautiful Australian Outback.

What they’re saying about Thunder Down Under-
‘I read it in Borders at lunchtime. I was so enthralled that by that night I’d booked a ticket to Australia and left the next day. Bit of a mistake really, because I had a really good job in the media in London and here I’m working in Starbucks.’

Jodie,
Wooloongoognoolonga
NSW

‘I laughed, I cried, I wept, I rejoiced, I made a cup of tea, I fed the dog, I went to bed, I got up, I read some more, I went to work….’

Fiona,
Cumb,
Larksickshire

‘Shandy hasn’t disappointed with this latest book. I was so engrossed in the book I forgot to go to the toilet and had a little accident in my pants.’

Hermoine
Titless-Cum-Runningquick
Cowmooingshire

Wet your gay appetite with an exclusive tidbit of Thunder Down Under

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2 dazzling new entries in our thrilling limerick comp have already drawn correspondence from readers.
Joyce, a fundamentalist christian with some homosexual stirrings wrote in-
Dear Biva, I am a fan of the limerick. It is an unknown fact that Most Popular Lesbian Poet of the Year 1217 years running, Sappho, began her career as a limerickist. A little know work of hers, recently discovered in the a well behind Sappho’s garden of the arts, Lesvos, indicates her formative years were spent refining her limerick style-

A dirty old from lesbo Greece,
Got a crush on her pretty young niece,
But the niece, when she heard,
said ‘You dirty old bird’
On your old rug I never’d feast!

yours
Joyce Phelps
Topeka

This week we have 2 gorgeous entries from ‘Tofu Luvvah’ of Holland-
There once was a rugmuncher called Julie
her hair was short and never unruly
she sang sweet and gay like a bird
till her breasts burst out of her shirt
so a lesbian mounted & loved her up truly.

There once was an Irish lezzer named Sinead
Who had the libido of an 18 year old boykid
When approaching girls for a tickle
Her choices were incredibly fickle
So each lassy said: that chick must be avoided.

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It’s time once again to get your pens and paper out, budding Sapphettes, and submit yourself to the tri-annual Biva Lesbian Limerick Competition.
Celebrate your lady loving experience in 5 line verse and WIN BIG.
Up for grabs is a jar of the lady lovers favourite, Tofu Sausage in Brine from gayfood Inc, a subsidiary of Gayshitwithrainbowson.com or our gorgeous BIVA TEE to grace your breasts this summer.

Last years winner, 17 year old Kate Marshall from Hull wrote-

There once was a lesbian called Maude,
Who one day when very bored,
Went down the boozer,
Drank nine pints of Ouza,
And got cunny-munched by the landlord.

Helen Shogun from Shuck, Idaho wrote-

I once loved a girl called Simone,
Who when lady-loved really did moan,
She’d scream at the cum,
Which did frighten her Mum,
So one night the police she did phone.

Submit your talented entries to biva(AT)biva.co.uk with LESBO LIMERICK in the subject line. Alternatively leave your poems in the comment box.
Entries must be received by midnight April 1. Al entries will be published here and the top 50 will be anthologised by award winning wimm-inn only publishers, Labia Press.

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Okay, Exactly Where Is IT?
The vagina is the opening that is located directly below your urethral opening. If like me you are confused by the term ‘Urethral Opening’ you may orientate yourself by looking for your vagina approximately 30 or so centimeters below your bosom. Don’t mistake it for your belly button, which is the same latitude as your elbow. If you’re STILL having trouble locating said vagina, look out for a mass of hair somewhere around where your legs join your body. Fossick around in there and you should be able to locate at least some if not all of your ‘vagina’.

The Constituent Parts
The opening is called an orifice, as are other openings in your body except for the one to the rear of your vagina which is called a ‘bumhole’.
Females tend to know less about their genitals than males because they cannot see them as easily. The male genitalia is called a ‘penis’ and should NEVER be thought of and definitely never touched. If a lesbian finds herself accidentally thinking about a penis, she should wash her mouth out with soap.

There is nothing wrong with using a mirror and taking a look at what is ‘down there’. If you don’t have a mirror handy, ask a friend to have a look and describe what he/she sees. Perhaps your friend has an art degree and may be able to make a rough charcoal or pencil sketch of your vaginal zone. A more modern way is to use the camera on your mobile phone to take a video of your ‘lady-garden’.

Famous People With A Vagina- Actress/ First Lady Nancy Reagan had her own vagina. The American vagina is said to be similar to vagina’s found on continental Europe and the Nordic countries, such as Sweden, Finland and the northern tip of the Isle of Dild.

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