capricorn -december 22nd – January 20th
This is a good week to take stock – not chicken stock. or beef stock. literally stock stock. like in a shop. cut your head open and see how many thoughts you have in your head. give yourself an enema and count how many little poops are up there. count the hairs on your chin and then document it all. you’ll feel much more in control.
scorpio -pretty as a pitt bull
October 24th – November 22nd
You could be building towards something big today. The omens are good for love and money and it might be the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. actually it’s more likely to be that dam of constipation about to burst. careful when farting
aquarius – your vagina is bigger than your mouth
January 21st – February 19th
You are the sort of person that is attracted to the new – new shoes, new cars, new technology, new labour. This month it is all, i am afraid going to be “second handâ€. Clothes, cars, women and ever unfortunately for you, panty liners.
cancer……..of your back bottom
June 23 – July 23
People have been dangling opportunities in front of you for some time, however they’ve looked about as appealing as your grandmother’s tit hanging there. however, things are about to look up. the opportunities will start to look more like nicole richies tit.
gemini -completely severed personality
May 22 – June 22
You have been working very hard recently, and your bank balance is looking healthy and your new car is making an impression. when you back over your lovers cat in her driveway you won’t be feeling so smug. cunt!
libra slightly off balance but clinging to the edge
Spetember 24 – October 37
You are feeling particularly energised at the moment. Spring is in the air, and so is the fallout from the local police station burning their coke and crack stash.
virgo-selfish to the core, but destined to be poor
August 24 – September 23
You love organisation; you hate last minute panics. you like salami but detest prosciutto. you like iceberg lettuce but loathe rocket. you’ll be pissed on, but don’t do brown. at least you’re a girl who knows her own mind.
This will stand you in good stead this week when you have to break up with someone or choose heavy or light flow tampons. don’t let the side down.
Leo -hairy faced yellow thing
July 24 – August 23
You might feel as if you are basking in glory at the moment -but you’re not. you are in fact rolling in shit that your doubly incontinent 19 year old cat did and that you were too drunk to notice.
Taurus full of bull
Apr 21 – May 21
Taureans are pretty steady people, but since you began drinking so much you have become unreliable and prone to soil yourself at the most inappropriate times, such as during love making. you have been clever enough in the past to claim female ejaculation.
how will you explain the loss of bowel control though?
pisces smelly like a fish shop
February 20 – March 20
Something could be coming to a head this week. You may have been waiting for a decision or for someone to make a move. such as that girl you met last week. the “move†would be either “IN†or “OUT†depending on what the status of your relationship actually is.
if she hasn’t moved in yet and you met a week ago then you’re probably about to break up. if she’s already living with you then it’s probably out. suggest partneriagge. be the first of your friends to get “divorcedâ€. they’ll do a story about you in the daily mail,….or diva.
sagittarius what’s the symbol for sagittarius? Surely it isn’t a dildo!
November 23-december 56
For some time now you have decided to try and bring interest into your love life. It could be you need a change of scenery – so you had sex in a field and now you don’t feel well and think some bird flu got up your vagina. fool
aries give out, or up, or…whatever
March 21 – April 20
There has not been a lot of joy in your life recently but you’ve brought most of this on yourself by being a first class cunt to almost everybody you know. Grow up!
