Dear Biva,
I was just wondering. If I was playing at Wimbeldon and I suspected I got my period, would they allow me off to check. Or would I simply be put off my game wondering?
yours
Kenny
Dear Kenny,
I rang Wimbledon on the telephone and spoke to one of the officials. They say that the rule clearly states that one may check at least once during the game for signs of menstruation in the gusset. However, it is preferable to wear some kind of sanitary deflection device during the game if one suspects ones period may make an unexpected appearance. I, during my years on the pro circuit often played with my mooncup firmly in place just in case. I loathed the idea of making a spectacle of myself in front of Martina or chrissy or Billie Jean if the painters decided to drop in mid match, if you get my drift.
Hi,
I am a regular reader of your instructive and comforting magazine. I’m in a bit of a sorry state at the minute though as I dropped my friend’s entire bottle of duty free Jamesons Finest Irish Whisky on the kitchen floor, smashing it to smithereens. I have spent the past 2 hours looking at the options and think I should come clean, otherwise she will think I’m a secret problem drinker when she notices that the (much cherished, aaaargh) bottle is gone. I am very annoyed, I was only looking at the label on the feckin duty free tag on the top as I wanted to see what country she’d bought it in. Czech Republic I learned, as my grasp on the bottle went, due to those strange plasticky things they put on them I might add. Who knows what they’re for..except to give nosey fuckers like me their comeuppance I suppose. I must go now and lick the floor clean, it smells like the Jameson’s brewery too. Oh God, she gonna be so mad!! And she’s a lesbian too
Brenda,
Whippet cum Fukkeen
Degeneresshire
Dear Brenda, firstly might I add, you have one of the most popular and enjoyed lesbian names in Christendom. I would have chosen it for myself but instead I took the non conformist route and chose Derekine.
Now let me set you straight on a few things here Brenda.
Your friend, who supposedly purchased said alcohol in the Czech republic, did she, upon her return, bear you, a fellow lesbian, a gift of any sort?? What strikes me as shocking about your sad tale is that the lesbian whose Jamiesons met the floor, seems utterly selfish in not having bought you your own bottle of duty free. If I were you I would threaten her with several broken pieces of the bottle and demand the whereabouts of any other duty free.
You have nothing to feel guilty for…..make sure SHE KNOWS IT!
P.S She strikes me as a kind of Grace from BIG BROTHER type this friend of yours. I don’t want to come between you but she does sound like a right cunt.
Dear Biva,
I am a young lesbian just starting out on her career as a homosexual woman. I’m wondering if you can offer any advice on clothing or appearance. I have a white vest and I have ordered a 14 years subscription to Diva. Is that a good start? Any more tips.
Kate, Little Humping,
Cambridgeshire
Dear Kate,
You have made a good start down the jolly journey that is homosexuality for the femal of the species. A few other things you may need are-
1 – A Gaystation and the new BIVA game, “Candybarcatfight”
2 – Therapy
You should be covered now, good luck.
Dear Biva
how do i stop my brain storming?
Carol-Anne
Fillgash, Buttholeshire
Dear Carol-Anne,
With pretty gay name like yours why would you bother about your silly old brain.
Dear Biva
how can i get my girlfriend to lavish her attention on me instead of her dog?
Karen
Dolly-cum-Partonwood
Amandaburtonshire
Dear Karen,
It has oft been suggested that smelling like a dog may attract lesbians. If you already have a g-f and she’s not responding, I suggest you roll around in the yard with the dog to avail yourself of some of its scent. Don’t let things get out of hand and let the dog start trying to “Dry Hump” you so to speak.
Dear Biva,
I would really like to go on Big Brother. I’m really worried though because I have a lot of hair on my backside and wonder if the other housemates would hound me out and call me BUMMOP.
Please advise.
Dear Hairy arse,
Big Brother is a way for you to come to terms with your disablity. Like Pete and his tourettes, your bum hair will have the nation siding with you, the underdog with the hairy undercarriage. Good luck with the application, let me know if I can help with photos etc.
Dear Biva,
I hear that Australian lesbians, by virtue of the fact that they spend so much time “down under” are fare superior in the cunnilingus department than lesbians in the northern hemisphere. Is this just another homosexual myth?
Sheila J
Perth
Dear Sheila,
Sorry to break it to you, but Australian women, due to their close proximity to Australian men, are quite useless in what they charmingly refer to as “The Fart Sack”. Give em a wide berth.
Dear Biva,
What’s a good way of cooling porridge down?
It always takes me an ETERNITY to eat it because it’s too hot. I eat it out of the jug I cook it in, saves washing up,
Beryl, Skunk-on-Buttlick, Berks
Dear Beryl,
I would advise taking the porrige from its mooring and spreading it out on a plate or a vinyl/leather sofa to cool.
Dear Biva
Is it unhygenic to use dirty socks to wipe wee from your fronty when you’ve run out of toilet paper?
Joyce, Cunthampton
Dear Joyce,
If the socks belong to that man thats sleeps at the end of your road with a can of special brew in hand, then yes.
Dear Biva ,
I am about to attend my first rainbow pride, do you have any fashion tips for the best in modern lesbianic hairstyles or dungerees?
Janice Fuckbucket,
Judy Finnegan House,
Preston, Lancs
Dear Janice,
I think what you simply must do is run on over to the biva online shop and get something from there. We specialise in the promotion of YOUR homosexuality SANS that horrid outdated ole rainbow.
Dear Biva,
I recently spent a lovely weekend in a Suffolk B & B with my lady friend. Apart from enjoying most of the weekend picnicing in her ladygarden, I found upin my return that I had inadvertently “stolen” a map from the goodly establishment. What would be the correct ettiquete for returning said map?
Gillian P,
Westmonster
Dear Gillian,
Your predicament is a tough one. Presuming, if I may, that you sexed one of the “mein hosts” of said establishment, you may not be welcomed in that part of the country again. Posting the map, perhaps without a return address is one suggestion. Keeping the map as a souvenir and perhaps cricling the place where you stayed and then having said map framed and presented to your g-f as a memento of your stay. It will also be another object for you to fight over when you break up.
