Coming out isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s downright scary. That first moment when you’ve gathered the family/work colleagues/fellow inmates together around your Biva Coming Out Wall Chart and are ready to launch into your carefully rehearsed monologue, it can be really scary. Some lesbians have even reported going to the toilet in their combats in fact, the stress being so great. But we at BIVA, we know how important it is that your “Coming Out Day” is the most important and memorable day in your life.
However, modern lesbians, believe it or not, there was a time when coming out was not the joyous event it is today. There was a time when the homosexual may have been mocked so badly they may have actually retracted their statement and pleaded insanity and allowed their families to send them off for some sexual realignment at the Jackie Clunes School of Sexual Reorientation.
Gladly, this rarely happens nowadays in the modern world. In fact since the advent of Will & Grace having a homosexual in the family these days is considered quite fashionable. The Dick Cheney’s got themselves one and so did Jade Goody. And we only have to look at God and his family of man. Why he’s got trillions of the little buggers.
So this summer if you’re ready to come out for the first time or are deciding to renew your homosexual vows at come out again, then Biva’s handy 5 point guide is just what you need.
1 Looking the part- Being gay is simply NOT enough. One has to look gay. And one need look no further than one of our own splendid Westminsterettes, Ruth Kelly. She’s got the hair, the stance, that rather gruff mannish speaking manner, and to top it all of, she 
LOOKS just like a nun, who we all know are just lesbians in waiting.
Don’t worry about your hair. Simply download and print one of our Ruth Kelly Elasticised Wigs and pop it on your head.
2 Gathering the RIGHT audience- Don’t let your presentation spoiled by naysayers and those who may mock. I’m not saying you don’t want any tears in the audience or a shriek or two, as much drama as tolerable is essential if you are to “dine out” on your coming out story in later years. Perhaps slip your mother a half a mogadon before hand, just so she doesn’t spoil your big day bu having a heart attack and dying and draw attention from you. It’s your day, unless your’e really really fortunate, you’ll only get this day once.
3 The Venue- The kitchen table is back in, believe it or not and so is the Family Christmas. In fact any lesbian worth her salt knows that Christmas Day is the big one. Suggest to your mother that YOU organise the festivities this year. As the day draws nearer mention that you might “bring a friend” who is from “out of town”. As your brother and his heavily pregnant chain smoking girlfriend are about to steal away for a spliff announce that you have something to “share” with your family. At this point ask your girlfriend to stand up and unfurl Biva’s handy Coming Out Wall Chart. The thorough descriptions of female homosexuality and body parts conatined therein have successfully introduced thousands of coming our parades all over Christendom and indeed in some small muslim enclaves.
4 Refreshments- Never come out under the influence of drugs. If your parents/family/colleagues are under any suspicion that you may be “imbibing” or “off your tits” it will make it harder for you to convince the doctors in the psyche ward that you are seriously gay and not just going through a drug induced “phase”. You will also need all your wits about you to get through the next phase of the operation.
5 Be Informed- Many will attempt to shoot you down in flames. They may attempt to blind you with science. The may hammer you with questions such as, “But you look like a girl”. Your response to this is “So does Portia Di Rossa” at which point you show one of 
Biva’s handy “She’s a lesbian Too” flash cards included in the Handy Downloadable Coming Out Presentation Pack.
If they try to tell you that you are suffering from a mental illness you inform them that in that case Oscar Wilde must have been mentally ill or indeed Virginia Woolf or Aileen Wornous. Don’t let them fluster you. Stand your ground.
