1. Leslie- Leslie is an old Norfolk name which first appears in the Domesday Book and is thought to be a contraction of “Ye old LES bian who does nothing but LIE about drinking apple cider”

2. Marsha- A Hebrew name meaning “She who won’t touch pork nor the pork sword”

3. Sandy or Sandra Lee or Shandy- One of the rarest of lesbian names but common in Asian countries and amongst the deaf. Coincidentally the name Shandy said with a South African accent sounds remarkably like the call of the Knotted Clitt Warbler, the only purely homosexual bird in existence.

4. Liz- A diminutive of Elizabeth or the old English Beowulfiliz, meaning “She who lays not with hogs but other sheilas”

5. Kate- from the Afrikaans, Oosterkateervagineekraak meaning “stout with hair like a man up her backside”

6. Chris- One of the all time great lesbian names was invented by the poet laureate Sir Anthony Knobwell-Goode in 1945 whilst searching for a name for one of his sonnets for The Queen Mother’s 135 birthday.

7. Jill- the most common of lesbian names was thought to have been imported into Britain with the Romans who worshipped Jillius, the inventor of the first roman fast food, the furburger which consisted of a tiny rat like marsupial char grilled and placed between two pieces of Roman Army Bread. When Jillius died the whole Roman Army mourned her, and it is thought that despite her obvious homosexuality and overgrown pant moustache that Julius Nobulous, cousin of Cocius of Sacc requested her hand in marriage.
This has been a public service announcement on behalf of biva.co.uk because biva cares, above all, for the lesbian.

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Gay rights activists are up in arms following comments made by The Rt Rev Graham Ninny, Bishop of Scrote, at the weekend.

The Bishop blames sexual permissiveness, particularly homosexual, and a loosening of sexual morals for the floods that hit some parts of the UK this weekend.
“The sexual orientation regulations are part of a general scene of permissiveness. We are in a situation where we are liable for God’s judgment, which is intended to call us to repentance.” said the Bishop, picture left dressed as Adam Ant for a recent fancy dress ball.

LGTBBGQ Spokesperson Judy Kultsch said that ‘God’s a pretty rubbish shot then, why didn’t he send a torrent through Soho on Saturday and wipe out half the gays of London.’

The Bishop, who came under suspicion last year when his excuse for arriving late at midnight mass at the Cathedral of Nun Cum Rubmee, was that he was ‘having supper with Father and Mrs Christmas,’ remained unrepentant today.

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English dentists were said to be thrilled with todays announcement that their offices are the most gay friendly in all of Europe in terms of wall hangings.

Paul lu Henri-Coq of the European Union Ministry of Dental Health and Wellbeing said the award was significant in that it recognised for the first time the importance of gay themed office decoration.

“We hope that others follow suit. Doctors surgeries in particluar are another area we hope to make some headway in. I mean who wants to look at posters warning of Malaria outbreaks when the walls could be decorated with the Brokeback mountain poster for example.”

The European Union Council on Equality are offering surgeries, including alternative therapists, such as irridologists and colonic irrigationists, grants of up to £12000 pounds to help towards the cost of research into and the installation of gay themed office fittings.

Rhonda Anne Mulvoge, an Suffolk lesbian called the scheme a huge success and was keen to see it spread to other establishments.
“Why not bus shelters and even kebab shops? I had three fillings yesterday and instead of spending the time staring at a balinese wall hanging, there was a most splendid life size poster of Chastity Bono.”

Particpating dentists carry the “This Dentist Loves Lady Lovin Ladies!” poster pictured above.

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Genetic scientists and cloners the world over were last night celebrating the discover of the gay gene which could revolutionise breeding.

In comparitive tests doctors discovered that the unborn gay child came out on top in all tests carried out.

“For example”, said Dr Hermann Sphict, “the gay foetus was capable of much more movement than for example the football playing foetus. You can see that the little baby is already holding a pen, ready to write it’s name. The gay baby is extermemly advanced.”
The Fundamentalist feotus, pictured right top, just lay there, clutching at it’s unformed penis no matter what stumilii we provided

In a report released last week the gay baby topped the charts in all areas from dexterity to creativity.

Unsurprisingly the foetus with the dullest wit and slowest response time was that carrying the Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist gene, closely followed by the republican.

“It seemed completely uninterested in anything going on outside its frame of reference. It gave almost the same response times as sand.”

Fundamentalist groups were outraged by the findings.

Donald E.Wilerbeest, founder of the American Family Acadmey said, “That godamn gay hell baby caint be that smart. It don’t even know what it’s name is yet, so what’s it need a pen for?”

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