Hey lesbians of all colour, creed and level of emotional well being, summer has finally arrived and what better place to get the hottest tips to make your tip hot this sizzling season, than Biva, the home of lesbian fun for all.
Our researchers have carried out extensive studies throughout the winter and have come back to the Biva offices in downotwn Sackville cum West with the newest homosexual trends from both International and national arenas of homosexuality.
1.The sun- It can be YOUR friend- The sun, pictured left is responsible for keeping life on earth as we know it, dull or not, alive.
It heats up the planet making it hot enough for girls to have to on occasion wear bikins. This is where we as lesbians begin to thank the sun. Without the sun womenfolk would never feel the need to head down to the beach with their vaginas only scarcely covered with pieces of cloth. We as lesbians, and full of imagination, can then use our GOD GIVEN fantasies to while away the afternoon wondering about what lies beneath the cloth that covers that triangle of moist joy.
2.Gay Prides all over the place- Gay pride is the way WE as homosexuals show the REST OF THE WORLD just what we’re made of. The boy of the species likes to show the rest of the world that he is made of muscles and tiny white underpants that look like they came from the kids section of GAP.The girls like to show that they can HOLD THEIR LAGER and sway to folk music under a large piece of cloth called THE WOMEN’S TENT. In there lesbians can be as one with nature, moving to the beat of Ani Di Franco or Snakey Whitlam. Great fun can be had by moving slowloy against another lesbian, an activity known as dancing.
Other homosexuals come together in front of toilet cubicles and mingle for hours on end just to SEE WHAT’S INSIDE. This is known as “Queueing Up For A Fucking Piss” and is so enjoyable that at Brighton Pride, Sussex, UK, some homosexuals will participate for hours on end.
3.Picnics- A picnic, though designed by heterosexuals, is set to become the most participated event in the gay summer calender. Research suggests that homosexuals are comandeering the picnic as their own and taking over great tracts of land to eat outdoors from baskets of food prepared in the home or acquired from Marks & Spencer’s. This years hottest dish seems to be the hand reared, breast friend junior pig Islington sausage from M & S, 5.99 for 2.
4.Refreshments- Wine is nice and so is beer. The new range of Rainbow beer and wine from Sapphood is due to hit the market next week. There’s the gorgeous Bille Jean Beaujolais and a pleasing to the palette Martina Merlot. And don’t forget the range of fine Aussie wines from The Poxy Nun Winery.
TOP TIP- Take a book, Try one from the Shandy Mitford range
5.Camping it out …..or up- It’s official, Camping is HIP. Don’t you dare book a B & B this year unless of course its Pretty Pony Villas, for Ladies who like ladies and ponies. Campgrounds are enjoying a renaissance. Theres the Nil By Mouth Women Only in downtown Paris France and the Piddling Skunk on the Isle of Dild have facilities behind the B&B for those who lilke it rough. The Isle of Dild tourist board offers walking tours of the gay hotspots, highlight being a particularly splendid hedge where Virginia Woolf was caught short and was forced to move her bowels.
Maureen and Helen at the Isle of Dild Moonlight Sonat-’er Campground offer a warm welcome and a glass of sparkling Shiraz on arrival.
Don’t forget Skala Erresos for those traveling abroad. Between the months of June and early September you can see the best and worst that humanity has to offer in lesbianism parade past the door of your self catering flatlette.
Happy camping all!
YES, Ladee-Gaydee, it’s time to get sociable, scrub the dog mess of the hall carpet and have the gang over a shandy and cheese and pineapple on crackers.
player’ in the corner and put some records in a box next to it with the covers off and a hint of black vinyl showing over the top. It doesn’t matter what the records are, they can be your Mum’s old Harry Belafonte’s. It’s just for looks really. This is obviously where later on in the day, your guests will bump and grind to all sorts of hip hop house and Dusty Springfield.
‘Rope-O-Ride’ tie the rope around the midriff of your pride-goer and pull them around the garden, twice, slowing on the second turn to a stop. Make sure as you slow down you give one almighty tug, drawing the pridees to the ground and causing their breasts to clang together and minor whiplash to ensue.
Now for the finishing touches.
