| As a modern day lesbian you have as many things on your mind as most normal people.
Unfortunately we must introduce you to one of the most important worries known to humanity at this juncture in history.
The Bird Flu
Bird flu was recently discovered to have moved into Europe.
We know it came via other countries where perhaps they do not wash as often as us.
Bird flu is very serious indeed and should be treated as such.
Just because you don't know ANYONE who has it doesn't mean that there aren't people who know people who DO have it.
People are dying from it as indeed are birds, and often.
It is important that we be as frightened as possible of bird flu because it can and most likely WILL kill you.
It could kill you much more than a bus could and it is an extremely awful way to die.
Bird flu is a serious modern day issue with savage consequences.
The lesbian and Bird flu
Don't make the mistake that others have made. Bird flu is out to get YOU.
It will stop at virtually nothing as it mutates its way into our homes.
What is a virus
A
virus is a tiny thing that is completely unseeable which gives it much more chance of not being seen as it goes about its business of mutation and spread.
Carriers
Birds
Some people
Vaccines
Vaccines do exist but these will be reserved for the police. They are kept in safe storage in humane conditions at Police Headquarters, Downtown to prevent further terrorist attacks.
Likely scenarii after outbreak
1- People around you, gay and non gay, will be collapsing around you and dying.
2- Power will be cut from televisions and
3- Other electrical items that run on electricity.
4- The GMTV puppets may die and therefore no news will reach YOU.
5- You won't know who to trust.
6- You may feel disoriented and afraid.
7- Drug use will become escalate as sufferers try to dull the pain with their crack pipe.
8- Your limbs may come loose from their moorings.
9- You most likely will pass fecal matter into your pants at some stage, as will others near you.
Don't worry, this is NORMAL.
If this happens, please do not contact emergency services
Precautionary measures
If at all possible stay indoors. Try to go only to places wherein your entire journey will be undercover.
You car and under the covers are SAFE HAVENS unless one of our feathered NON friends is in either of these elements with you.
Then you must scream for help.
Shortly a code will be introduced for those fearing bird flu may have entered their personal space.
The virus is a "fast mutater". Don't let it KNOW that you KNOW that IT IS there.
That may encourage the virus to mutate more quickly.
Whisper in code if you think you have it. Or speak in French. The virus cannot understand French, we repeat, NOT UNDERSTAND FRENCH!
If you think you or anyone you know may have bird flu please contact everyone you know and warn them.
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DON'T look into the sky, (pictured left). The sky is now your enemy. It carries the bird that brings death 
DON'T phone the samaritans/police crying about your last breakup. You will be wasting much needed man power and occupying much needed telephone lines. 
Do contine to wax/shave/pluck your pant moustache. Bird flu likes to bed down in warm, oily feather like zones.